How many
times have you seen someone trying to be "metal" but felt they didn't
have a clue?
Thanks to Snakenet Metal Radio (www.snakenet.com),
please enjoy this humorous look
at some non-metal traits. Remember, this list is for entertainment purposes
only and is not
meant to be taken seriously. If you have any non-metal traits to add to this
list,
please email me and I will add
them here!
•
You don’t have a pair of black boots.
• You don’t have tight jeans.
• You don’t have long hair.
• You don’t have leather pants.
• You don’t own a bullet belt.
• You don’t have a black leather jacket.
• You don’t try to convince others that metal is one of
the world’s seven wonders.
• You don’t listen to metal every single day.
• You date someone who isn’t into metal.
• Headbanging does not come naturally for you.
• You are not a member of Snakenet.
• You think bands like Linkin Park are metal.
• You are a Christian.
• You really care what religion anyone is.
• You don’t have a tattoo of a skull on your body, or
your favorite band’s logo.
• You don’t worship Satan.
• You watch MTV.
• You think rap and metal make a good combination.
• You don’t drink or smoke.
• You defend mallcore bands when real metalheads put them down.
• You haven’t seen Manowar at least once.
• You can’t get into death (harsh) vocals.
• Your thumb sticks out the side when you throw the horns.
• You don’t own any band t-shirts.
• You think that Sepultura is body lotion.
• You cannot play the entire “Master of Reality” album from start to finish in your mind.
• You have a car that costs more than $200.00
• You do not emphasize OLD when you say you like Metallica or
Megadeth.
• You are not a miserable bastard.
• You sit at a concert and clap.
• You don’t own any Iron Maiden.
• You cannot read certain band’s logos and have to check
the spine.
• You look, behave, or smell like a normal person.
• You don’t own black eyeliner.
• Drinking a six-pack actually gives you a buzz.
• You buy your music at large corporate music store chains.
• You shop at Hot Topic.
• You are embarrassed to let other people know you listen to
metal.
• You have attended the last three Ozzfests.
• You don’t wear corpse paint.
• You don’t own at least one murder weapon.
• You don’t view the population on this Earth as “sheep.”
• You go clubbing or dancing on Saturday nights.
• You have never cut a whole in your jeans on purpose.
• You have never shouted “SLAYER!!!” at any show
where someone was performing live.
• Seeing two A’s in Megadeth doesn’t piss you off.
• You have never doodled pentagrams on your class notebook.
• You don’t know how to draw Eddie.
• You don’t know who Eddie is.
• You smile.
• You don’t start your own website dedicated to metal.
• You don’t name your pets stuff like Spike, Thor, Odin,
or Lemmy.
• You drink Smirnoff Ice.
• People smoking weed bothers you.
• You think a drum machine is an instrument.
• You are Lars Ulrich.
• You dislike beer.
• You saw VH1’s “When Metal Ruled the World” and still thought they were talking about metal
• You don’t have a parole officer.
• You are somehow Satanic AND Athiest, a miraculous feat only
true metalheads can achieve.
• You have dreads.
• The night is over for you once the concert ends.
• The following greeting sounds weird to you: HAIL!
• More pictures exist of you NOT throwing horns.
• People are NOT scared to sit next to you on the bus.
• You have more than one pair of jeans.
• You can’t understand Mikael Akerfeldt’s growls.
• You can’t spell or pronounce Mikael Akerfeldt properly.
• You confuse Chuck Billy with Chuck Schuldiner.
• You like Motley Crue.
• You think turntables make a good “Instrument” in a metal band.
• Your grandma doesn’t think your music is a bit “scary.”
• You’ve never been accused of being a Satan worshipper
by others who don’t listen to metal.
• You think Korn and Limp Biskit are heavy.
• You think the Black Album was Metallica’s first album
and St. Anger was ground breaking.
• You don’t get personally offended if someone puts down
your favorite band.
• Your favorite television show is Friends.
• You enjoy all the bands on Roadrunner Records.
• You don’t know if Venom is black metal or not.
• You don’t know the difference between black metal and
death metal.
• You don’t know about the Euronymous and Varg saga.
• You listen to ballads.
• You have never tried to explain exactly what black metal is
to someone.
• You have that sticker of that kid peeing on something in your
back window of your car/truck
• You
think "Exodus" is just the name of a rave. (courtesy of
Absolutspnkmstr)
• You cannot automatically spot a metal CD mixed in with crappy CDs. (couresty of Ron Rotten)
